I am the vilest of creatures
a human being and I
am not surprised
that I have been left here alone.
If I squint past everybody's
wants and needs, greedy like
shadows, arching into each and
every space, fingers, long fingers
creeping
into the corners of my mind,
I can see my own reflection
swollen from tears, fat with
apathy and delicious disappointment.
I'll crawl along the floor tonight
and cry until my door blows open
with the draught.
And I will get up and I will
close it and then, locked inside
once more, I will squeeze more
fat drops of
self pity from
my
blood red flesh.
This is something I am used
Crawling
My repulsion
Under yellow hotel lights
Waves of green, hundreds of dollars
Almost a thousand
Picking locks
Getting high on the marble staircase
Thick brown
Soup
In plastic hanging from my veins
Blood fills like
Red clouds under the sea
Getting sucked by the
Squat Italian man
Fat rubber lips
Around your rubber dick
I sit in clouds of smoke
Sebby doing crack
Paranoia like spider web
Cracks in a glass
She's very good to you
Even though
She's poisoning you
Spring green days, leaves like
Tiny fields, whole expanses of
Vegetation hanging
From bark
And I said to you
We said if we
Got high together it'd be
Over
Hurtling down concrete passage, wind in my hair if the metal and windows weren't there. Scenery a blur, green vomit outside, blue sky the same over me, the occasional white puff of cloud in sight, gone again. Every corner I take, every bend, every blind spot that moment when anything could come around the wall, every cell in my body shivers with the rhythm of the engine in anticipation of my secret wish, my morbid need. I imagine the shine of the metal from the bonnet of the other car, the first thing I see as it appears around the corner, on my side of the road, on the wrong side of the white line. Seconds slow down. The air inside becomes t
We had electricity running through us
but now my feet are on the ground
and I feel nothing
nothing
but down down down
and your blunt lies
like torn paper shredded by my hands
fall nowhere but
down down down
I never want to hear
Another word you say
I never want to see you
Or feel my heart break
If I'm going anywhere I'll
Go down down down
Two weeks away and I got
Bruised by somebody else
The first letter of his name
Fixed onto my neck
He asked me to go
Down down down
Not much farther to go
So keep on
Not much father to go for me here
I was seven years old and in Scotland with my grandmother visiting her sister. We had spent the day in town and then had gone back to my great aunt's daughter's house. She had two children, a boy and a girl. I got on well with the boy, Graham, but there was something about the girl I didn't like. Gillian seemed spoilt and defensive and all I wanted to be was friends but she seemed intent on being a complete bitch.
She had the best collection of dolls I had ever seen. Even better than my sister. During the small tour of the house I was mesmerized by the army of beautiful Barbies sat along her bed and her windowsill and I spotted many I had l
A heart like torn fabric in the
Wind, scattering, waving
A royal red colour like a flag
To my eyes
Here in the wild grey ocean swept winds
I am a soldier, still holding
Onto the old folk tale from my own long
Ago
My long, long ago
When you used to kiss
Every part of my darkness
And now we lay
In this open wasteland, your love of
The older man so apparent
The bruises
On your neck
That I never gave, who can tell
These days
Who can share the secrets
It's just a different kind
Of lie
Another shade of betraying
Somebody you never knew
I'll forever die and rot
Waiting for the words that change my mind
But today inside my ow
When you're the one who's living,
I'm the dead I'm underneath
I rot just like the time we spent
Like all the years that passed
Us there on the beach under the shelter
Drunk and passing out
And waiting for the happiness
To kick in did it ever kick in
I don't think so
Burning down to the ground
Scorch marks left where you just went
Into the dark into the stretch
Blue and yellow on the horizon in your
Boots, your family ties
Your sparkling eyes
I never fit in did i
I never became the person
You had wanted, in your little army
The ocean my enemy
The feelings from years ago
Still cold like stone like the concrete
We lay as we
I am the vilest of creatures
a human being and I
am not surprised
that I have been left here alone.
If I squint past everybody's
wants and needs, greedy like
shadows, arching into each and
every space, fingers, long fingers
creeping
into the corners of my mind,
I can see my own reflection
swollen from tears, fat with
apathy and delicious disappointment.
I'll crawl along the floor tonight
and cry until my door blows open
with the draught.
And I will get up and I will
close it and then, locked inside
once more, I will squeeze more
fat drops of
self pity from
my
blood red flesh.
This is something I am used
Crawling
My repulsion
Under yellow hotel lights
Waves of green, hundreds of dollars
Almost a thousand
Picking locks
Getting high on the marble staircase
Thick brown
Soup
In plastic hanging from my veins
Blood fills like
Red clouds under the sea
Getting sucked by the
Squat Italian man
Fat rubber lips
Around your rubber dick
I sit in clouds of smoke
Sebby doing crack
Paranoia like spider web
Cracks in a glass
She's very good to you
Even though
She's poisoning you
Spring green days, leaves like
Tiny fields, whole expanses of
Vegetation hanging
From bark
And I said to you
We said if we
Got high together it'd be
Over
Hurtling down concrete passage, wind in my hair if the metal and windows weren't there. Scenery a blur, green vomit outside, blue sky the same over me, the occasional white puff of cloud in sight, gone again. Every corner I take, every bend, every blind spot that moment when anything could come around the wall, every cell in my body shivers with the rhythm of the engine in anticipation of my secret wish, my morbid need. I imagine the shine of the metal from the bonnet of the other car, the first thing I see as it appears around the corner, on my side of the road, on the wrong side of the white line. Seconds slow down. The air inside becomes t
We had electricity running through us
but now my feet are on the ground
and I feel nothing
nothing
but down down down
and your blunt lies
like torn paper shredded by my hands
fall nowhere but
down down down
I never want to hear
Another word you say
I never want to see you
Or feel my heart break
If I'm going anywhere I'll
Go down down down
Two weeks away and I got
Bruised by somebody else
The first letter of his name
Fixed onto my neck
He asked me to go
Down down down
Not much farther to go
So keep on
Not much father to go for me here
I was seven years old and in Scotland with my grandmother visiting her sister. We had spent the day in town and then had gone back to my great aunt's daughter's house. She had two children, a boy and a girl. I got on well with the boy, Graham, but there was something about the girl I didn't like. Gillian seemed spoilt and defensive and all I wanted to be was friends but she seemed intent on being a complete bitch.
She had the best collection of dolls I had ever seen. Even better than my sister. During the small tour of the house I was mesmerized by the army of beautiful Barbies sat along her bed and her windowsill and I spotted many I had l
A heart like torn fabric in the
Wind, scattering, waving
A royal red colour like a flag
To my eyes
Here in the wild grey ocean swept winds
I am a soldier, still holding
Onto the old folk tale from my own long
Ago
My long, long ago
When you used to kiss
Every part of my darkness
And now we lay
In this open wasteland, your love of
The older man so apparent
The bruises
On your neck
That I never gave, who can tell
These days
Who can share the secrets
It's just a different kind
Of lie
Another shade of betraying
Somebody you never knew
I'll forever die and rot
Waiting for the words that change my mind
But today inside my ow
When you're the one who's living,
I'm the dead I'm underneath
I rot just like the time we spent
Like all the years that passed
Us there on the beach under the shelter
Drunk and passing out
And waiting for the happiness
To kick in did it ever kick in
I don't think so
Burning down to the ground
Scorch marks left where you just went
Into the dark into the stretch
Blue and yellow on the horizon in your
Boots, your family ties
Your sparkling eyes
I never fit in did i
I never became the person
You had wanted, in your little army
The ocean my enemy
The feelings from years ago
Still cold like stone like the concrete
We lay as we
across the lonely plain of your discretion, your trees
are taut wire, pointing, alarmed
at an overcast sky, your eyes
apart from you, i dream of deafness for days
inside the aching hole of my chest,
into the cavity, the things i try to insert
do not resemble the shape of you. i reject everything.
in the months you touched your tongue
to the frozen ground, i saw you couldn't get free
i would roll you the sun in the first light, to get
with you that physical moment, because,
because, you're like that. we're the same
in more ways than one.
i can see you for miles, your body becomes
the home i find in wet afternoon idleness, pressi
a garden or a graveyard by VictoryCoffee, literature
Literature
a garden or a graveyard
everyone's in that casket, but me
and the horse that pulls this herse towards the sea
everyone's in my romance but us
i cried to find that you grew bored of love
the daffodils have bloomed, with a hole dug
for the groom, a garden or a graveyard, you decide.
have you and i? been waiting all this time,
for the coroner to find out we're alive?
will you arise? and someday stand beside
or will this headstone wilt 'fore we arive.
a garden or a graveyard, you decide.
everyone's just waitin' to go
if i'm on my way out i'll hold ya close
everyone's just dyin' to live
die before i pull my heartstrings in
the daffodils have bloomed
and
i almost forgot smelling the song
your body used to sing with me
and the dance your voice
made around me
but i never ever will - forget thinking of you
my one and only thrill
"i hope you all will see
there just isn't a place here for me
i look around and feel
that somebody must be fucking with me
i just can't take any of you seriously
and i can't keep keeping myself company"
p.s i hope they find a yeti
so after it took me two and a half years to collect and create "twenty three and loveless", the satisfaction of finishing something made me want to start on another project to work on. many have come and gone, but i think i've finally found something i actually want to begin. (mainly because i already have some material so i don't have to actually *begin*)
its working title right now is "GAYBOY: growing up a queer". i wanted to really write about all the times that i've been treated badly just for being gay, despite who or whatever else i am. it's a subject that's always infuriated me but i've never actually tapped into it for creative purpo
recently i've realised that my life has come to a complete halt. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm working in an inane job that i intensely HATE just to scrape enough money together to pay rent and bills. i get drunk. i used to look at this as a negative but it's now more of a positive. it's the only positive there is. i skip out on things in my life so i can have enough money to buy alcohol.
i'm trying to do something but everything equates to nothing. i have no idea how to advance in my life, and the only thing spurring my forwards is wanting to get out of where i am right now. sometimes it's okay. most of the time it's downright horrible.